Life Seemingly Unraveled

It has been quite some time since I blogged last, and I am sorry to those of whom follow my blog.

There have been many changes since my last entry. I am now finished high school, I submitted my last assignment today! I graduate at the end of this month, and I am quite thrilled to be done. 

I recently found out that I am pregnant, and I am due January 8th. It came as no surprise but we were by no means trying to have a baby. But alas, there's one on the way. I am almost three months now, and I am very excited, but quite nervous as well. 

Also, my boyfriend and I broke up. We fought a lot, more than we got along, and it became too much for us, and, after a blow out, we ended it. 

So these changes have occurred and my life is changing drastically. 

But the road ahead is not an easy one. In many ways I wish I hadn't made the choices that I have. Because of the decisions I made, my life is going to be very hard, and things are very painful right now. I wish I could go back and fix things, but I cannot, and that is a hard thing for me. 

But at the same time, this baby is a human being, and God already has a plan for him/her, and that is amazing. I am very excited to see what the Lord has planned for my family and my children. 

I know the things I did were wrong, I am far from perfect, and I am the first to admit that. Having sex outside of marriage is wrong, and I was blatantly sinning. I was not living a life that was pleasing to Christ, and because of that, my decisions, my life was a wreck. 

I spent my time focusing on the wrong things. The television shows that I watched, the music I listened to, and the words that I spoke, were not pleasing to God, and they took my focus away from Him. 

For the past week I really have been focusing on my relationship with God more, I have repented and turned from my sins, and have been trying my best to de-clutter and simplify my life. I began reading my Bible more, and watching television less. Praying more and playing less video games. I was learning things about Christianity that I didn't know before. And it felt great. 

And then the fight with my ex and I happened. 

It was big and it was awful. 

We both said things we didn't mean. 

We both acted out of anger. 

And we both went too far, beyond the point of reconciliation. 

And we are both hurting beyond belief. 

Even though I had made these changes for the better, things still fell apart. It's a part of life, I know that, but it was really disappointing, and it took my focus away from my relationship with God. But now, my focus is where it should be, and even though I still hurt, and I am grieving a relationship I had, I have God, and when I am lonesome and sad, I call out to Him for comfort and support. 

This entry may sound cluttered and hard to follow, and I apologize. I am really just sorting my thoughts. 

But at the same time, I want to encourage people who are going through hard times. People who feel alone and scared of what's to come. People who feel like they've lost everything. 

God wants to be our first choice. Not the last ditch attempt at feeling better after confiding in numerous people and not getting anywhere. He wants us to go to him first. Tell Him our hurts. Ask Him for comfort and support, and I promise you, He will give it if you are asking genuinely. 

He has helped me through this, and it will be a while before I feel okay again, but right now, I am still breathing. God still woke me up this morning, so He hasn't given up hope on me, no matter how badly I have messed up. 

I am sorry if this is a very melancholy entry, but its real, and it is where I am at right now.